# Chapter 81: A Letter from Heaven
Read these words as if they were me:
An'an, when you read this letter, your mother has already gone to a place very far away.
Because it is so far, this life will never see me return.
I... I was not a good mother.
When I was very young, your grandmother left. There was no one to teach me what a mother ought to be.
I say this not as an excuse. But in remorse.
Remorse that I endured such a lonely childhood, and yet had the heart to make you endure it all over again.
Remorse that I gained nothing from my own mother, and when I became a mother, I had nothing to give my own daughter.
Remorse that as a mother, I likewise taught you nothing.
I never taught a girl how to protect herself, never taught you right from wrong, never taught you how to love another... and of course I had neither the standing nor the ability to do so.
I think your brother will teach you all of it.
Let me hope that your brother can teach you all of it.
He is a child of great promise. Living with him will be far better for you than living with this useless mother of yours.
That is the only thing in which I can console myself.
An'an, you are a good child.
Do you remember?
That year around the new year, all the shop-hands had gone home on holiday. The herb shop needed to restock, so I carried those herbs back and forth by myself, dozens of trips, until I cried as I carried them.
When I had finished crying and turned around, I saw you staggering about, carrying the herbs back into the storeroom handful by handful.
Many of the herbs had been mixed up all wrong, yet your mother's heart felt so warm.
In that moment your mother felt boundless consolation, and yet boundless loneliness.
Loneliness is a devil. It devours a person's reason, their morals, even their humanity. It devours everything.
Your mother was devoured by this devil, so much so that she forgot how much beautiful she actually possessed. So much so that she lost it all.
I'm sorry.
Your mother shouldn't have said these things to you.
It's already grown cold. Have you put on a little more clothing?
Your mother sewed a winter coat for you, sending it along with this letter. I had also made a little cap, but it's only half done... Never mind.
I'm sorry.
I can no longer send you gifts.
I'm sorry.
I have abandoned you once again...
I am a contemptible mother. But I have no choice.
The thing I was pursuing has already vanished from this world, so I can only follow it, go to a far, far away place.
Never to come back.
I had meant to leave in secret, but then I thought — I could not leave without saying something to you. Whether it be a mother's final exhortation, or the final self-consolation of an irresponsible woman.
I must say something at least.
An'an.
This is the first letter your mother wrote specially for you, and also the last.
I truly do not know what words would be the most fitting.
An'an.
You must take good care of yourself.
You must study hard, and when you grow up, follow your brother's path, get into the Dao Academy too, rise to high office, become an immortal.
No — your mother should not make demands of you.
Your mother has no such standing.
Cultivation is too grueling. You do whatever you wish.
Still, eat fewer sweets. If your teeth go bad, you won't be pretty.
My An'an will certainly grow up to be a great beauty. What breathtaking beauty that will be?
Just thinking of it, I feel I could close my eyes.
An'an, be good.
You must listen to your brother.
You must grow up happy and safe.
Pointless talk is worthless.
But besides this worthless talk, your mother has nothing more to give you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how your studies are coming along, whether you can read all these characters.
If you leave them to read later, that's fine too.
Or if you'd rather not read them, that's fine as well.
...
Writing up to here, your mother suddenly remembered the days when your father used to teach me to write.
I'm sorry.
I miss you.
...
Yongtai Year Fourteen, First Day of the Winter Month, Song Ruyi.
...
...
When the letter from Wangjiang City arrived, Jiang Wang was in an extremely anxious state. And since the envelope was marked for An'an's personal reading — given that it was sent by Aunt Song — he did not overstep his role, but simply passed the letter straight to Jiang An'an.
An'an skipped gaily into the study to read it.
Jiang Wang, for his part, was pondering his own troubles.
The White-Bone Lotus that had appeared on his body was deeply amiss. That sinister pattern was plainly no product of any orthodox Dao school.
Something had to be wrong somewhere. But he had no one to discuss it with.
He had no elder he could trust utterly, who would support him under any circumstances, and who was also broadly knowledgeable.
Dong A might be trusted, but with his upright character, were he to learn that Jiang Wang had some involvement with heterodox arts, he might well strike down on the spot and kill his own disciple in the name of righteousness.
As for Ling He and Zhao Rucheng — these two could naturally be trusted without reserve, but they had only just begun their cultivation, so it was hardly worth pinning his hopes on them. Zhao Rucheng's background might be somewhat mysterious, but when it came to the White Bone Path — a heterodox school whose very name sounded sinister — Jiang Wang in no way wanted to drag them into it.
He consulted Daoist scriptures, secret lore, even some records of events, yet not a single word about the White Bone Path could be found. Either it had never appeared in the Zhuang Kingdom, or its traces had been erased.
The sole thing Jiang Wang could confirm was that, in all his impressions, there was no person or event linked to the White Bone Path.
Its hidden connection to the Grand Yin Star came precisely from the Taixu Illusory Realm, and from nothing else.
The "secret" that black-veiled woman had wanted to know — was it the Taixu Illusory Realm? What relation did that woman have with the White Bone Path?
If she was one of the White Bone Path, then what was her purpose? If she was not — if, as she claimed, she too came from some orthodox Dao school — then why did she keep bringing up the White Bone Path?
He suddenly thought of that black candle within the Tongtian Palace, the thing obtained from the Swallow-Heart Human Demon. The Celestial Star-Dou Formation Diagram had been passed down from the Taixu Illusory Realm, so it ought to pose no problem. If anything in his body was unusual, it was this black candle.
What exactly was its origin? What secret did it hold?
As Jiang Wang was mulling this over, Jiang An'an came running out in tears.
"What's wrong? What's the matter, An'an?" Jiang Wang crouched down and held her.
"What place is the far, far away place?" An'an raised the letter paper in her hand, bean-sized teardrops rolling down one by one: "Did my mother go up to heaven, like my father?"
Only then did Jiang Wang realize how serious the matter was. He scooped An'an up into his arms and soothed her: "It's all right, it's all right, don't cry, An'an. Big brother is here, big brother is here. Big brother is with you."
Soothing Jiang An'an as he did, he took the letter and read it through quickly.
The letter paper was very thin, yet it suddenly seemed to weigh very heavy.
This letter had come through the ordinary channels of delivery. Judging by the time a letter took between Wangjiang City and Fenglin City, the matter must already be beyond recovery.
Jiang Wang could not claim any deep affection for Aunt Song, but on the one hand she was his father's wife, and on the other she was An'an's mother.
To Jiang An'an she held a meaning that could not be replaced — an immensely important part of the girl's life.
And now she was gone forever.
Though Jiang An'an was still young, children do not remain ignorant of everything.
Jiang Wang himself had come through that age, and he understood a child's sensitivity, a child's fragility. Understood how desperately heavy the little one's heart must be.
On ordinary days, whenever little An'an stumbled and fell, Jiang Wang already grieved unbearably.
Let alone now, seeing her eyes already swollen from weeping — his heart was about to shatter.
"An'an, be good, don't cry. You have big brother. You have big brother."
"Wuwuwu, my mother, she, she..."
"An'an, An'an, big brother will surely give you an answer."
Holding her little head, Jiang Wang said, gently yet firmly.
No matter who was involved, no matter what the reason.