Chapter 46 — Pain

"He did not look at me first. He saw my mother first. When the light had come I had only looked up; I had forgotten to look at my mother. By the time I remembered, father was in the way and I could not see her body. But I clearly saw father's body jolt, as though he had turned to stone. Then Uncle Azure Dragon and Uncle White Tiger and Uncle Black Tortoise, who had leapt down after him, all stood frozen where they were, not moving at all."

"Suddenly I was very afraid — more afraid even than I had been waiting for death in the dark. I called softly: Father. Father turned slowly. The three uncles ranged themselves in a row behind him and blocked my mother's body. I still could not see her. I asked softly: Father, where is mother?"

Zhang Qingyue saw it plainly: with every word Bili spoke now, her body shook, as though the girl who asked that question stood there before them.

"Father said nothing, but his face was terrible. I was small, but I knew, I knew — at that moment he truly wanted to kill me, to kill me, his own daughter! But in the end he did not do it. He saved me, gathered me into his arms, and carried me out of that dark cave. Just before we left, I secretly looked down past father's shoulder. My mother's body had already been buried by the three uncles, and only one hand showed above the earth. But I do not know why — that hand, that hand, that hand…"

Bili's voice suddenly ceased. Zhang Qingyue was startled and looked at her, and saw her face deathly white, her eyes shut tight, her whole body pitching straight down — she had fainted. Almost by instinct he rushed forward and caught her, and felt her cold to the touch, scarcely like a living person.

He had barely risen from his illness and had little strength; it took him a great effort to lay her flat upon the platform. Looking at her pale face, Zhang Qingyue suddenly realized that his whole body was drenched in cold sweat.

That night (whether it was truly night he could not tell, but by instinct Zhang Qingyue took it for night), Bili lay unconscious, crying out from time to time in her dreams for "Mother," "Father," and the like. Their positions had quite reversed: it was Zhang Qingyue now who tended her.

But this was plainly a memory of the deepest pain in Bili's heart. In her swoon she cried out several times, cold sweat pouring from her, and Zhang Qingyue knew not what to do. At last, in her delirium, Bili flung out her arms at random and caught hold of his shoulder; once she had nestled against him, as though she had found something to lean on, she gradually grew calm and fell quietly asleep. But her two hands clutched Zhang Qingyue's clothes tight, her nails even digging into his flesh, so that he grimaced with pain. Yet somehow, looking at Bili's pale face, he could not bear to leave her. He forced himself to endure it, and let her nestle in his arms and sleep in peace.